can I can’t I will I won’t I?

i can’t fucking hold together a fucking
goddamn sacrifice ENOUGH. not even my HEALTH.

god, what a horrible woman i must be.

because i look and look and for WHAT? what am i not

what is so wrong with me that i can’t. even. set my needs aside for one fucking SECOND.

my needs SUCK. my needs are fluid flexible changing like the chinook. despite my doubts, i find myself wanting —

— what? the comfort of a companion?

— being held during a bad moment by someone not my family?

— to go so slowly, so very achingly slowly, that i’m never ever going to make it with anyone ever again?

— to go fast with someone else who might not want to go at all?

lord, i need company. i need conversation. i need. what?

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