not the girl you think i am.

So I guess “mundane” and “stodgy” aren’t as awful as they’re cracked up to be. Also, in winter, nobody’s particularly outré if they live in a cold climate. My missing zing is mostly accounted for.

It’s not wrong to want a more manageable life. It’s not wrong to look around and say “Okay, I don’t want to be living hand-to-mouth or starving for any particular passion.” A lot of the changes I’ve made came about naturally; nobody told me to buck up and be an adult.

Some of those changes were reactive, responses to other changes in the way things were. I graduated from MCC. I lost my insurance through my dad. I got a job to ameliorate both the lack of productivity and the lack of health care.

Once I figured out that reactive changes kind of sucked in the long run — once I’d lost my job — I began to plan active changes. I determined that I would learn to drive, and I did. I am now working on finding a car I can drive off the lot with no debts attached. I am choosing the kind of jobs I want to get, instead of begging everyone and anyone for work that might not suit me. (I’d make the crappiest child care provider, and we all know it. I could, however, handle clerical work.)

I’ve lost a lot of my taste for wildness and irresponsibility. I’m not a radical anymore; I think of practicalities, and how I’ll be able to function as a person if I take a stand. What do my choices mean for me? For my family? I do impact other people’s lives. I can’t just fuck around being an overgrown teenager.

It’s okay to think that’s not a great way to be.

I can make little statements without upsetting any apple carts. I can paint my nails funny colors and experiment with makeup. (Especially now that I know how!) I can pair a funky T-shirt with a serious skirt and heels. I can curse in the kind of company that understands, and kill everyone else with manners and grace. A bit twenties, a bit sixties, a bit now: I am not limited to one influence.

I’m going to make a brilliant writing professor when the time comes.

— Ending, ending, where’s my ending? So much for brilliance —

But I don’t have to be brilliant now! Yes! I mean, no! I mean, sod it, you know exactly what I mean. I’m allowed some confusion in my transition. As long as I can talk about it, I think I’ll be okay.


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