How to establish a facial care routine

…in 15 17 easy steps!

1. While going through your bookmarks, run across a page about establishing a facial care routine. Realize there are too many steps for you to remember.

2. Take mental stock of what you have and pare down said routine accordingly.

3. Much later in the evening, get inspired to actually care for your face. Trot upstairs to your sweetly shabby loo.

4. Remove any jewelry. Put hair behind ears.

5. Fill sink halfway with hot water. Whip a washcloth out of your bathtub/shower stall and soak it. Wet your face.

6. Realize your exfoliating gel is also a cleanser. Decide this eliminates the need for soap. Squeeze globs of green, sandy goo onto your fingers.

7. Plop most of the goo on your nose. While it’s true your nose needs a lot of exfoliating, decide you’d like to cover the rest of your face and go back for more.

8. Scrub your face. Attempt to rinse off using water and your cupped hands. Decide you’re better off rinsing with your washcloth.

9. Drain sink. Get spur-of-the-moment idea to write this stuff down. Uncap transparency marker and scribble the days of the week on the mirror, on the bit to the far right you haven’t used in ages.

10. Stop short when you realize you’ve forgotten whether toner or moisturizer comes next. Attempt to apply logic. Reckon it must be toner, then moisturizer, as toner would only strip the moisturizer from the skin. Right?

11. Write that on the glass under “Saturday”.

12. Tone, then moisturize.

13. Rinse lotion from hands.

14. Fumble with your jewelry. Your watch has gotten easier to put on with practice, but you manage to snag the clasp of your necklace on your scarf.

15. Trot downstairs feeling vaguely disappointed with the whole experience. Resolve to do it again anyway, because your blemishes are getting pretty tiresome and this is Something Women Do.

16. Wonder where the hell you put those pictures of your stir-fry.

17. Remember that you cannot count.

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