Sometimes, I am smarter than I seem.

The combination of a queasy stomach (again–thank you, pizza) and anxiety pretty much told me I’d be as much use as a paper fireguard if I went to the funeral/viewing. Thus, I’ve borrowed my darling for the overnight; nights are bad, but I think today will be bad, too. I am staying home with my cats and my food. I am happy to report that I slept no worse than usual (woke up a couple of times, actually got back to sleep quickly enough). Eleven and J have both been fantastic through this. J understands what a sorry situation this is and was well able to sacrifice her first evening home with Eleven for, well, my nervous ass. For which I give great thanks! ♥

My instincts were, um, dead on. Two words I would not have applied to this shindig: open casket. Because when someone’s spent months wasting away from cancer, you totally want the relatives who haven’t seen the deceased in a year to see that. God, poor Dad. I think Gene is probably grateful, wherever he is, that I did stay home; he would not want me to remember him skeletal. Also, considering that I spent my friend’s wedding hyperventilating, I think I’d have been a giant ball of panic during the service today. Or so heavily sedated I needed a wheelchair, whatever.

Sky did make sure I ate last night, and not more than I could handle. Because my hunger signals are so borked, I do need help determining what’s appropriate. I used to err on the side of not enough, but I feel like there’s such pressure to fatten back up at least to 105 (102 this morning, oy) that I’m never sure when to stop now. “Nausea” is not an indicator, except that it kind of has to be right now. Renourishment: BLOODY ANNOYING. Just so you know. Because this happens, and yeah, the withdrawal period counts as five or more days of minimal nutrition. I’ve been trying not to let it happen again after the bad pizza. Hence the little bitty bit of tomato soup with a palmful of grated cheese and three saltines. It tasted brilliant.

I have also been tricking myself into having a little more than I ordinarily would. Instead of just slices of bread, I’ve been dipping my bread in ketchup. Ketchup makes everything yummy. Frankly, bread and ketchup is sounding a lot like breakfast at this point. Might be a good idea to eat something.

xoxo
girl.

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