the rain is on the roof.

I used to love stormy nights. They were lullabies at the very fringe of my consciousness. Then I quit Remeron and, well, everything got scary.

Last night, we had a glorious storm, and I not only loved it, I dreamed I was visiting Hawaii, watching a waterspout out in the distance, absolutely revelling in its existence. Sunshine and Sky were both there, and I asked Sunshine, “Any chance we can retire here?” because I was infatuated with the unrelenting green and the interplay between people and weather.

The only difference between the ugly nights of the last four weeks, when a solid night’s sleep was but a distant memory, and last night, when I slept a much-needed ten hours straight? A quarter-teaspoon of valerian tincture by Lavender Moon.

Now, I am on a boatload of medication, and since I knew darn well that I was, I did my homework and consulted with the creator of said tincture. A quarter-teaspoon might’ve been a touch too much, even, so I’m trying an eighth tonight. Standard dose (for people who are not already taking benzos, say) is a half to a full teaspoon. But ye gods, that’s the best night of sleep I have had in a month. A month.

So tonight I take a skosh less, in an effort to rise before eleven. And if that doesn’t work the way I think it will, Friday night I take it earlier. My body, curse it, is brilliant at resisting efforts to make it relax.

(NB that I am able to do this because I have basically had eight years of applied psychopharmacology–applied to myself! You become your own expert when you can’t count on having the same doctor from year to year. Do not attempt similar if you have not got long experience tweaking your own meds. I geeked out but good and learned about the different chemicals at play, half-lives, comparisons to medications in the same class, comparisons between classes… let’s just say my mom wishes I were studying to be a pharmacist.)

I should attempt breakfast. Man, if I only had a herb to make me hungry…

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