We were blindsided today by Mass. The theme was marriage, Judeo-Christian style.

Unable to plunge into the comforting routine, I thus found myself examining why I was there and what I was mouthing. Could I, any longer, say words I didn’t believe? Singing them was one thing, as I believe the universe understands these things, but saying them? I’ve only said the Oath aloud once, reading it to my mother.

I felt dirty. We left early, and when I got home, I dabbed myself with salted water from the palm of one hand. Cleansed.

I don’t think I can go next week. What can I do instead? Time to think about some kind of weekly ritual, and where to perform it. This time of year, outside isn’t certain. Space — if Dad’s in the house, where then? Upstairs, which is cramped? Maybe he should stay away until the afternoon all the time. Maybe something that doesn’t need space. Nearest UU church? Why is there nothing closer to me than half an hour? — There’s the Saturday afternoon UU on Winton, which wouldn’t get me up at the crack of dawn but, according to the website, lacks that high-church music tradition. I would miss that the most. So the 11:15? All food for thought.

Very muzzy today. Feel like a compass spinning, unable to settle on one direction.


4 thoughts on “salt.

  1. Argh, suck. This is becoming A Thing. A good friend of mine is going through similar with the Catholic Church, though for a slightly different set of reasons, and has been writing about it. This was her experience at a UU church:

    And then there’s what happened to my family two weeks ago – which was the last straw after a series of very ableist and obnoxious commentary regarding mental illness that basically left me feeling like if I disagreed with people who had been around longer I could be dismissed on grounds of being crazy-on-paper and therefore OK to disregard. There was also some fat-shaming/food policing going on that I was finding triggering like whoa, and a whole lot of people wanting my spouse to participate and asking “Can’t your wife just watch the kids?” *headwall*

    I made my way to a recent-startup United Church of Christ today, scared out of my wits but willing to give it a chance. I know that they tend to vary a lot by individual group, but this one is uncanny in the degree of how well it fits. Spent half the service with tears running down, but in a totally good way. And the big girl (the reason that we needed to at least look for a new faith community ASAP) is 100% in love with it.

    • a. WTF on the shaming?! Ouch.
      b. Thank you so much for the link to Kate’s blog — one of the things that bothers me (among many) about the RCC is indeed its stubborn refusal to ordain women.
      c. Best of best of luck with the UCC! So glad the big’un is happy. ❤

      • Seriously…people going on and on during joys & concerns about their awesome new diets that were planet-friendly AND helping them lose weight and “be healthy” and how everyone should do this! Which is…not very OK in and of itself in addition to the personal triggering involved. Because it’s not like a lot of those diets are economically accessible or practical around a busy schedule of work-school-parenting. But (half-snark, half-serious) most of the people doing that are retirees of at least solid middle-class status and probably more able-bodied than I am, so they can do that. *sigh*

    • (It won’t let me reply below your other…) Argh, diet smash. In fact, middle-class assvice smash in general, because if you do not live in a city and you have never stopped to think about living in one, who are you to preach to city dwellers about their practicalities? Just waiting to see my therapist, I’m watching people actually take the free bread. When you’re down that far, diets don’t matter. Getting enough calories to go about your day, getting what you can get, getting what’ll taste good and be easy enough to prepare for multiple members of a family: these become priorities.

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