the bridal resort.

I should open a bridal resort where hopeless bachelorettes can go to get that cultural rite of passage out of the way. It’s not about the wedding, you know? It’s really about the bride feeling special. It’s always “the biggest day of her life”. Nowhere have I heard anything about the groom except where there is no bride. Prospective customers send their measurements down ahead of time, so the best possible gowns can be brought out for the “bride” to try. Women will descend en masse upon bartenders and vintners, caterers and bakers, in pursuit of the perfect meal. Grooms will be provided for those events in which they would customarily participate, and for a fee, a fake ceremony might be contrived. I would even go as far as a fake wedding night in a honeymoon suite!

And when she has satisfied the urge, she can go on her merry way, unencumbered by a husband. Free to do it all again if she gets bored. One week, a ludicrous sum of money, and no strings attached. You, too, can be a Kardashian or a Spears.

. . .

I’ll freely admit my ideal wedding is miles away from what I’d plan at a bridal resort. On the off-off-off-off chance that I meet a man worth marrying (because for some reason marrying a woman scares me less), the gown would have to be entirely custom, the ceremony in the forest between the Mill Gallery and the church playground, and the words about as binding as a piece of thread. Commitment, after all, is what we do every day, not what we say in front of a priest.

So when I see people talking about weddings — not marriages! Weddings! — I get unaccountably jealous. I can only conclude I am hungry to share this experience with my sisters. When I dream I am shopping for a wedding gown, for some reason there is never a groom in the picture. Or I could be wishing for a prom do-over, because who can really enjoy prom in the middle of all that teenage-hormone drama? Why are there no excuses any longer for people to buy formal gowns and dance the night away? Well, unless you’re rich and attending a charity ball. I wonder how many of those women enjoyed their proms?

Every community, every year, ought to do this. Every community should come together, rich or poor, to dance and maybe drink, in beautiful clothes, using their best manners. Let’s reaffirm each other’s dignity, at least.

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