you can stop, actually

Miley. Oh, Miley, I tried to be on your side. I really did. As long as you weren’t hurting anyone (though that was debatable) then it was just a girl trying to be herself, right?

I will happily concede that few of us are any one sexuality all our lives. Blogged about that not too long ago, actually. But I don’t joke about date raping people to open their eyes to that point. Date rape is not particularly funny, whatever configuration of people are involved. Neither does it say anything about your prowess at persuading women they have a bi side if you have to drug them to get them into bed.

Girl, what happened to you? I think this officially tips you over the edge into “complete mess” territory. What is going on in your head? What PR genius told you this was the way to make it big? There’s a famous adage — no publicity is bad publicity — but if it’s publicity that limits the amount of money you’re making, can you really call it good? Because I won’t be spending money on you anytime soon. I can’t even see the music for the personality at this point, and I doubt I’m the only one. That is the opposite of who you want to be as an artist of any kind.

You don’t want to become more famous for your scandals than your music. No, you want to bust through all that and kick arse, like Britney Spears, who, it can’t be denied, has done some fabulous work since she got her shit together. You want them thinking of your voice, not your clothes, like Lady Gaga. Sure, she takes major fashion risks, but when I close my eyes, where am I? At a Monster Ball, remembering how amazing she sounded live. But when it’s you, darlin’, I can only see hideous black and white stripes on every shitty trendy bit of clothing in every shitty trendy little shop. Or big shop, in Forever 21’s case.

If this is your way of trying to say “Hi, I’m queer,” what are you doing to make us want to embrace you? What kind of person are we meant to embrace? And if you’re not trying to say that, then it comes off as a sorry attempt to capitalise on who we are. Either way, you don’t need to brag about what a dick you can be in your pursuit of pussy.

Woman up. Grow up. Put your music first. You’re young and hot now. I’ll say it: if your personality weren’t so repellent, sure, I’d do you. Well, once you show me a clear STD panel, because rumour has it you were with Terry Richardson and he’s gross.

You won’t be young and hot forever. If you take better care of yourself, you will be older and still hot, but not in the same way. Losing the Humbert demographic is inevitable. You want to figure out how to move forward while you can. What I am, you will become. So much changes between twenty-two and twenty-eight. Do you want to hit that change and drown in it, or do you want to find your footing and walk on through?

I dare you to stand up.

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