I won’t lie. It feels good, once I get past the anxiety. If I can manage to push through and breathe away the panic, yes, I enjoy riding the highs. But I don’t enjoy it long and I always have reason to regret, like when the morning hits and I wake up feeling as if I’ve been on a bender: stomach gurgling ominously, a film of sweat on my neck, exhausted body but racing heart.
Is it hormonal? Is it neurodiversity? I can’t say. But I do know that last night, I had a flight of ideas that made me write a whole filk despite the nagging suspicion that someone else had gotten there first. And I still can’t find the lyrics of the other song as proof that someone did. But I could swear I’ve heard it now that Anneke mentions it. I also know I was awake enough at two in the morning to spend two more hours singing.
I took all my meds, even the valerian. The trouble could be that I’d also had a Pepsi, but it feels ridiculous to say that. For God’s sake, normal people can drink Pepsi and be fine! It doesn’t exacerbate whatever I’ve been riding out.
I’ve gone from being able to sleep for twelve hours straight to only seven or so, which for most people is a sign that something’s right, but it worries me in context. I shouldn’t be this alert. I shouldn’t have kept waking up. I am normally a far heavier sleeper; weekend morning noises didn’t faze me. Why can I hear them so well now? And I didn’t say anything about the amount of sleep I need. I will probably sleep again later in the day. The amount I seem to be able to get in one stretch has changed; the requirement has not.
Last night wasn’t the first time this week that I’ve felt the same rush It’s been going on for a little while, more during the day and never that euphoric. My spooling down mechanism is officially on the fritz. I have to wait for my brain to go back to normal. It always does. I’m scared of the alternative. I can say the words but I don’t like to say them because they are an admission of something I can’t face, so if it’s okay with you I’ll just not say them and go on my overly merry way.