a head with hair

I have spent a lot of my life fussing with my hair. I have spent the short-haired days wishing it were longer and the long-haired days wishing it were shorter. The journey of growing it out has its stages, each one of them interesting in its own way.

It’s never been this uncomfortable.

I grant you, I am in an impatient place. I am in a place where I wish two things that cannot happen at the same time: I want my hair to be long, and I want it to be manageable. And I am specifically asking you not to advise me how to do this. I got it thinned and that, my friends, has been an itchy disaster because the stylist accidentally thinned curl-prone hair right up near the scalp. Whoops. So now it seems to be trying to pull in on itself in some places, and lying flat as a pancake in others, and all I can think is “Let’s just cut the whole thing off.”

But then I dream I have abundant hair, and it is beautiful, and I am happy.

But then I wake up and realize that it’s impossible to maintain, especially during the lower tides of life where I’m fighting the very weather just to be okay. And I’m not sure I can be okay with this medium length. It isn’t any fun. I don’t feel like dressing up, putting on makeup, having a good time with my appearance. During coat season, when it’s thinned-out, it’s going to hang very limply over my coat or I’m just going to cram it under my hat. It’s not going to curl on the outside and it’s not going to dry if I treat it the way it needs to be treated in order to curl.

I suspect I’m going for a haircut tonight or tomorrow afternoon. And I suspect I will be sad about that, but that too is a symbol of the change that 2017 has promised me. Ultimately what I need is something I can style with a squirt bottle and some pomade. I need something I can wash by dipping my hair backwards in the water, or sinking under the water entirely, not having to bend forward and stick it under the tap —

— and even then the hair is deflecting moisture up onto the edge of the tub, making a wet mess! It has been that thick!

So it may not be even this long again for a little while. All right, since it takes time to grow, a long while. I suspect I want a nice bob, about jaw-length, something that will curl up or lie flat as I wish it. Or not. Something I can deal with. And if I’m honest, it would be great if I could wear button-up shirts and sweaters with the look. And! And! Sei from Marimite rocks short hair!

…I know I’m weird.

Let’s face it, this half of the year you can’t see my uncovered head because of the cold, and the other half you can’t see it because of veils and snoods. [shrug] The people who will eventually see my uncovered head will want it to look slightly more professional than “meh, I threw it into a ponytail because it looks grim spread over my shoulders”. I’ll wear it with headbands if I get really bored, hem myself some kerchiefs, etcetera. I’m just. Beyond itchy right now. And itchy is not a good look on me.


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