Oh, Thought Catalog. Sometimes you’re my favorite hate-read. You got thirty-three men together on Reddit who apparently have really strange girlfriends, and you actually published what they had to say about said girlfriends? Well, there’s thirty-three men who probably don’t have girlfriends anymore.
But seriously, these are not all things that women do — and these are not all as hideous as you make them out to be.
1. For one thing, when I take my dreams too literally, I talk to Eleven about what happened, and he assures me that whatever it was, it’s not founded in reality. I don’t get angry at him. It’s just that I’ve always had effing vivid dreams, ever since I was three.
2. Sometimes topics need rehashing because they weren’t resolved the first time. If that’s the case, it’s way better to talk about it than to let it rot in your head.
3. Of course men have discretion when it comes to sex. I keep telling him “You know, if you want to, when you’re out of town…” and he’s all “No, don’t feel like it, but thanks for the permission.” And we’re polyamorous. So much for that stereotype.
4. I say “awww” when I find something adorable and wonderful. Cope.
5. I damn well do not ask lose-lose questions unless you have already failed spectacularly and need to own up to it.
6. It is not our job to serve you like a queen, and you’d better believe a guy would get an angry feminist mob bearing down on them if they posted something similar about men. It’s not funny and makes you look like a bitch to all men, no matter how many of your girlfriends agree.
If I look like a bitch because I’m asking for what I need, that’s your issue, not mine. I treat him exactly as I want to be treated: like a thinking, feeling, human being who is her own person. I haven’t always gotten that in the past. I wonder if there are women who ask to be queens because they’ve been their lovers’ peasants.
7. Passive-aggression looks hideous on everyone.
8. Eleven and I have phone conversations in which neither of us can decide what we want: to do, to eat, whichever, we wish the other would have an opinion, so we roll with it and figure one of us will decide at some point — and the person who actually has a preference will get that preference, end of. Sometimes I do, sometimes he does. But it’s definitely not a woman-thing, this decision-making problem.
9. I don’t do this, but food for thought: if we come out and say what we want, we’re bitches. If we don’t, we’re passive-aggressive. Exactly what do you want?
10. I am never more annoyed than if I’m in my own head and someone yanks me into the real world. Can I have my penis and balls now?
11. He thinks it’s great when I steal his food. Sharing is caring. He’d like to eat less, I’d like to eat more, so if I nosh from his plate, we both win.
12. Excuse you, but I don’t stab my sisters in the back. Or my brothers.
13. Turnabout is fair play.
14. Being on your phone all the time is rude. Where are you finding these women? Did their families teach them any manners?
15. It’s called the pause button. And the rewind button.
16. Dilemma! I leave my eyebrows be, I get comments about them. One is partly-gray. If I fill them in so you stop commenting, you… feel yourself justified in commenting anyway?
17. Uh, hi, gay people are people. Duh? I see one of you thirty-three is a bitter kitten about a sad few who still buy that whole “gay best friend” thing.
18. Stop treating sex as something you let us do to you. Either want it too or fuck off.
I can’t imagine why she’d think sex with you is a chore, buddy. I really wouldn’t.
19. If I have my feet up on the dash, it’s because my legs hurt badly enough to want stretching.
20. This may seem oddly specific, but please stop trying to prove that you’re stronger than I am.
I hope this man is not 5’6″ and one-twenty soaking wet. Also, I don’t have to prove I’m stronger by play-fighting with anyone. I merely have to break down my own camp, haul most of my gear back out to the car, and decide it’s stupid to haul gear when the car can be driven up to my campsite. I am actually quite the pack mule.
21. This is number nine in sheep’s clothing.
22. I feel like a giant fake when people compliment me on some things. When it comes to others, you may think it’s a compliment, but on a dating site, if all you can say about me is that my looks meet your approval, go back and read my profile.
23. Real tanning ages skin prematurely and causes skin cancer. I’ll risk the comparisons to Snooki.
24. He gets up way before I do. We don’t fight about it because we’re adults who understand about mismatched circadian rhythms. If I do wake him, either I’m having a panic attack, I’m in pain, or I want something specific which he ain’t gonna turn down.
25. People still care about mixed-gender friendships? Oh, right, because this dude’s girlfriend found a way better guy. Poor you.
26. More like resting bitchface.
27. With regard to that particular phrase, the end of the sentence is implied: “I cannot believe anyone would expect me to waste words on this level of stupid, except if I am taking apart a Thought Catalog article point by point.”
28. I’m perfectly honest about my bed-hogging habit.
29. Speaking of not stabbing my sisters in the back…
30. This is number twenty-one in a ski mask.
31. We know guys can get hurt. Some of us happen to understand realities about the world that mean you get hurt less often because of your gender. We care no less about your pain. We would simply like to even the odds a bit.
32. I’d rather be “one of the humans”.
33. Take us apart only to rebuild us. Nice, Professor Higgins. Niiiice.